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June 2001 -
Rhonda,
Yesterday, I was like... at the mall, and I
like, saw someone wearing the like, same shirt as mine! Wouldn't it be like,
embarrassing if you went to school and someone had the same clothes as you? How
did you feel when Lila had them?
- Popularchick
Popular,
You don't have to tell me how that
is a total tragedy. It was trés embarrassing to see Lila wearing the darling
ensemble that I had carefully put together. Of course, when you're as chic as
me, it isn't surprising that there are scores of wannabes stealing your clothing
ideas. Just remember to put them in their place so that nobody thinks that it's
you who has stooped to slavishly following others' fashion trends.
Really, you must even pity them, as they don't even have their own sense of
fashion. Plus, it could be worse; think of the unstylish outfits they could be
wearing if they weren't trying to copy you.
-
Rhonda
Helga,
We all know how you hate Arnold. You've
threatened to introduce him to Ol' Betsy countless times. But Helga, you haven't
punched him. All you've done is threaten. It's not like you haven't had time.
All those times you stood out by the boarding house jumping rope (and don't say
it wasn't you, Helga, we know it was). And how about all those times in class
when you sat there, firing spitwads and staring at him the whole time (you can't
deny this one either, sister)? And what IS that gold thing you carry around and
look at constantly? What exactly are you writing in those Little Pink
Books?
- J. Mathis, Professional Interrogator
Dear Mr. or Ms. Mathis,
I am terribly
sorry, but Helga isn't available to answer your queries. After muttering
something about 'introducing a certain interrogator to Ol' Betsy', she asked me
to take care of things and stormed off. Regarding your question, as Helga's best
friend, I must say that I have absolutely no idea what you could possibly be
alluding to. Many thanks for submitting your letter, and I hope you have a
pleasant day.
- Phoebe
Brainy,
Why don't you say anything but "Huh, I don't
know"? I am just wondering... are you AFRAID to talk?
- Phoney
Phoney,
Uh, yeah.
-
Brainy
Dear Lila,
There's this guy at school who like-likes
me. When I told him I only liked him, he took it pretty hard. He's one of my
best friends, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him. But no matter
how nicely I put it, he refuses to let it go. If I hear "but we have so much in
common" one more time, I'm going to go crazy! Do you know how I can get him off
my back?
- Stressed
Dear Stressed,
My, that is an oh-so-sticky
situation. I think the best thing that you can do is try to be ever so patient
with him, continuing to tell him that you only like him and that he is not your
'oh-so-special someone'. He will probably continue to try, but you must politely
turn him down and hope that he finally gets the message. Hopefully, he will
eventually find someone who like-likes him back.
-
Lila
Arnold,
Alright. Dosen't it seem slightly odd to you
that Helga picks on you in particular. And that she acts so weird around you at
times, and that she is almost always there when you need her, and that you have
been getting all of this mail about her!?!? I really think you know what I'm
talking about here, so think hard. Really, REALLY hard.
P.S. - Why
don't you get your grandpa to finish telling you his story about
Gertie?
- Asking More
Dear Asking,
Well, it does seem weird that
Helga seems to pick on me more than anyone else, and that she can act a bit
oddly around me. However, I have given it some thought, and I think I do know
the reason why she acts the way she does. You see, Helga is almost always
negative; she's either bullying people around or complaining, while I try to
keep a more positive, helpful outlook. My guess is that Helga tends to behave
especially rudely or strangely around me because she has trouble understanding
where I'm coming from most of the time. Is that what you're trying to get
at?
P.S. - I'd ask grandpa about his story, but I think he made
most of it up so that I wouldn't feel bad when Helga was bothering me. He
probably doesn't even remember 'Gertie'.
- Arnold
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