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December 2001 -
Harold,
I have a question. Why do you always say "I'm gonna
pound ya!" to people and you never actually do it? And how come every time
someone picks on you, you always run away calling for your mommy?
-
Twister
Twister,
Hey, you take that back! Or else
you'll be real sorry! I mean it!
- Harold
Hi Principal Wartz,
Were you a karoke singer before you a principal?
You were good at it.
- Lilygirl
Young Lady,
While I appreciate your compliment, I have to ask you
exactly how you came to the conclusion that I had ever sung karaoke before.
First of all, you should know that there is no such thing as a professional
karaoke singer. Secondly, I think I'll have to call your parents for
deliberately attempting to spread rumors about an authority figure. I can assure
you that I have never sung karaoke in any establishment where a schoolchild such
as yourself might have seen me perform. So, young lady, unless you've been
sneaking into bars... um, this conversation never took place. Understood?
-
Principal Wartz
Arnold,
What's your last name?
Signed,
Terry McLaney
Executive
Investigator
National Information Department
Ms. McLaney,
Why does everyone ask me about my last name? It's just
a normal name, I don't see why it confuses people so much. Well, anyway, my full
name is Arno
Terry,
Looks like old football-head got called to the principal's
office for some do-gooder 'students rights' scheme of his. Since I'm the only
one around here, I'll clue you in. His last name is... is... Wait a minute, what
is his last name anyway?
- Helga
Eugene,
I've been wondering, you know those glasses from false alarm?
If you only wear them on Thursdays, how are you able to see the rest of the
time?
- Brandie
P.S You're my favorite character!
Brandie,
Golly, thanks for saying I'm your favorite! Anyway, the
story behind that is quite interesting. You see, at the time, I was having
trouble with my glasses, and they kept breaking all the time. Can you imagine
that? Well, my parents eventually decided to try contact lenses on me, though I
still wear my old glasses from time to time. So now I can see and I don't have
to worry about breaking my glasses! Isn't that great?
- Eugene
Dear Helga,
There's this guy, Arnold... I have this HUGE crush on him,
and I was just wanting to know... is he available? I didn't think you would care
if I asked, and I really wanted to know... here's a poem I wrote about
him:
"Cowlicks like fields of yellow corn. All the days of the week, I write
the name I dare not speak. The boy with the cornflower hair, my beloved, and my
despair."
There's more but I just don't feel like writing it
all...
Anyway, hope you can answer my question! I'm really not used to liking
guys like this, in fact, to be honest, sometimes I am torn between hating him
and loving him...Thanks!
- Someone
Someone,
Let's get this straight; I know you didn't write that poem.
Why? Well, uh, because... Phoebe recited it at the parent-teacher assembly!
...And, um, she told me that she had heard it was about some other boy. It was
not about Arnold at all! Got that? But you shouldn't steal other peoples' poems,
bucko, unless you want to have a heart to heart with Old Betsy here.
Anyway, you'd better not try anything on Arnold, because he's mi...
mighty taken up with Lila. And with Little Miss Perfect in the way, you wouldn't
get close to him even if you wanted to.
- Helga
Gerald,
I have a good friend, but I'm baffeled as to what I should get
her for Christmas. She's interested in sports and likes poetry a lot. Any
suggestions?
- Stumped Santa
S. S.,
I've said it before and I'll say it again; you can never go
wrong with ties. Or you might want to get her jewelry or something. Yeah,
jewelry's nice.
- Gerald
Arnold,
Remember when Grandpa told you about Gertie? Well what if Helga
really likes you or loves you? What if she is crazy about you and carries around
a locket with your picture in it? What if that thing you see her always holding
is a locket and that pink book with poems were from Helga? Did you ever think
that she is a girl and she really has a nice side she just pretends to be mean
so she can hide her secret?
- Helgaismyfav
Hello,
Wow, you have a pretty wild imagination! To think Helga would
be carrying around a locket with my picture or writing poetry! And grandpa was
just trying to make me feel better; I doubt there was much substance to the
story. And grandpa tells some pretty off-the-wall stories, like the one where he
almost got to have lunch with Hedy Lamar or the one about my parents and the
midget circus. They're good stories, but I have to take them with a grain of
salt. And, while I know that Helga's more sensitive than she lets on, isn't it a
bit much to think that she has a crush on me, of all people? It just doesn't
make sense.
- Arnold
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